So, I’ve been talking to some of my friends about my relationship lately and I keep hearing that I should “put myself first”. A little background: I’m not feeling too hot about my current relationship of 1+ year with my 26f girlfriend.

I don’t understand this concept; to me that feels selfish. If things aren’t going right in a relationship and it doesn’t feel good to me, shouldn’t I try to stay and work things out. Isn’t love/trust built upon putting the other person first?

tl;dr – I keep hearing “put yourself first” (as in leave) regarding a relationship I’m in that doesn’t make me entirely happy. I feel guilty thinking about that, and I’m not able to see how “putting myself first” isn’t a selfish act that goes against the unselfishness of love.

You put yourself first in a relationship for the same reason they tell you on an airplane to put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child put on his oxygen mask. If you don’t take care of your needs first, you may not be able to take care of someone else’s needs.

On the other hand, in a relationship, if you’re happy and feel taken care of, it’s much easier to feel good about looking out for your partner’s needs. If you don’t do that and you feel unhappy, unappreciated and your needs aren’t met, it’s going to eventually bleed through in how you treat the other person.

Besides, a relationship isn’t about meeting the other person’s needs, it’s about both of you getting your needs met. If her needs are getting met and yours aren’t, it’s not a good relationship.