This is essentially the plot to Clerks but without Jay and Silent Bob.
My fiance [29M] is considering breaking up with me after learning about my [26F] sexual history and I don’t know what to do
I have been been together with a man I’ll call Marc for three years now and we got engaged just two months ago. I love this man so much and it wasn’t long after we started dating that I could see myself being him forever and I was so happy when he actually proposed. By now I feel like everything is falling apart and I really would like some help and perspective and it’s a sensitive subject I don’t really want to discuss with my family.
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Marc works in tech out on the East coast where we live and recently a guy from the Midwest, I’ll call Ben joined the company. Ben it turns out was a guy I had hooked up with once back in college. I had a bit of a wild phase in college. I came from a conservative family in the middle of nowhere and when I joined a sorority I kind of got into the party scene. I hooked up with some guys at parties and from Tinder and tried a few things I never thought I would be into, nothing too crazy, but not something I would have thought myself doing at an earlier age but also since then. Honestly, while I had some fun, I also had some very mixed feelings about these days, which is why I wanted to firmly put them behind me when I moved away to join the real world.
Well, apparently Ben figured out who I was when he saw a photo of me on Marc’s desk. He didn’t say anything at the time, but apparently at a holiday party Ben got shitfaced and told Marc about me. Not only did he tell him about the hookup, but he also told him about the rest of what he knew of my history since as he slurred “he thought Marc should know.” In truth the story he said was a mixture of truth and and lies since Marc barely knew me at all. I honestly cannot understand why he did such a thing as we didn’t part on a bad note, so I just understand why he would be so cruel as to tell such private gossip about me to my fiance of all people.
That night Marc came home and he was simply furious. He first gave the gist of the conversation and asked me if it was true. I started to tear up right away and said it wasn’t all true, but some parts were. Marc calmed down a bit, but asked me some specific questions. One was the number of guys I had been with and I said it was over 30. He seemed so shocked, but I pointed out I had never lied, he never asked me. He also asked me if I had done anal, which I said I had. At that point he straight up called me a liar since we had talked about trying it before and I said I wasn’t comfortable. But that is the truth. I did it a few times in college, but it felt a bit degrading, which is not how I wanted to feel with a person I loved.
At the end Marc packed up some belongings and moved to a rental property he owns that is currently unoccupied. He said he wasn’t calling off the marriage right then but needed space to think. I am so sad and lost. I was never dishonest or deceitful with Marc and have been completely loyal. He is the person I want to be with and am fully committed to making our relationship be a happy one for the rest of our lives. But when he left, while he was polite, I could see so much disdain in his eyes. I feel both sad, but also confused and a bit angry. I tried so hard to be a good partner and now I feel like he is throwing all of that away and judging me for a phase of my life that happened before he even knew I existed?
How should I go forward. Above everything I really don’t want to lose Marc, but I just don’t really know what to do or say at this point and I am even confused about my own feelings about the situation since I feel a sense of guilt but don’t really think I did anything wrong.
tl;dr: I had a wild phase in college that my fiance learned about from a coworker. Now he is threatening to leave me and I’m just very confused about how I can even try to address the situation.
If you are a woman with a big notch count, the reality is that most men are still okay with sleeping with you, but a lot of them aren’t necessarily going to be willing to bring you home to their mom. So, had her fiance known that she had a body count of 30+ (and who knows how high the + could be), he may have never seriously considered getting into a long-term relationship in the first place.
Now, consider the fact that this guy basically heard about all of this not from his girlfriend, but from a drunk random at work. Don’t get me wrong. There is almost never any kind of upside to telling your partner about the people you slept with before them, so she wasn’t wrong to avoid the topic. Unfortunately for her, she had some bad luck and her thottery caught up with her. This created a second problem, which is that he’s now going to be wondering WHAT ELSE she hasn’t told him. That may not be entirely fair, but after having that bombshell drop, it’s only natural for him to wonder what else could be in her background.
Then, there is issue number 3, which may be the biggest of all. When he asked her about doing anal, her response wasn’t, “I’ve tried it and didn’t like it,” it was that she wasn’t “comfortable” with it. She says that’s true and maybe it is technically, but she was really lying by omission because she gave him the impression she hadn’t done it before and wasn’t comfortable with the idea. So now, he has to deal with the fact that she was doing dirty things with hook-ups and one night stands that she doesn’t want to do with him, her fiance. That’s going to cause him to wonder if she was more sexually attracted to and willing to please some guy she drunkenly seduced at some college party than her own soon to be husband.
At this point, a whole can of worms has been opened up and it’s impossible to say whether it will all get sorted out or fall apart. The only caveat I’d give the guy is that statistically, a woman who has slept with that many guys is less likely to stay married over the long haul than a woman with fewer partners. Good luck to both of them because they’re going to need it.