Usually, when you hear stories like this, it’s the husband trying to figure out how to get his frigid wife to have sex with him. So this is a bit of a twist.
Today has literally been the most depressing day of my life. I’m sobbing right now, feeling alone as I type this. Please be gentle in your responses. I’m extremely sensitive right now. I apologize for any errors in advance. I [F30] have been married to my husband [M31] for 6 years and have been together for a total of 8 years.
Today was supposed to be a date night for us since we always seem busy. I work from home and was able to finish up all of my admin work early, so I decided to surprise my husband by cooking all of his favorite foods and make a buffet sort of thing. It took almost 2-3 hours of preparations, but everything came out perfect and just in time before my husband came home. I quickly showered, did my hair, put on make-up, and picked out an outfit that he has told me is one of his favorites to see me in.
He came home on time as expected. I was so excited to surprise him. He says thanks and we sit down together. I thought tonight would be perfect. It’s something I’ve been planning for a while. Then I hear the dreaded words come from his mouth, “I want a divorce”. I think it took me a moment to register that this was real. My mind goes blank, then I get this rush of depression and sadness that just kicks in.
I ask, while sobbing, why does he want a divorce and ensure that I will give him my full understanding so we can try to fix this issue. He explains to me I always rejected him of sex, always said no, always made false promises to fix myself, and always made excuses. He then goes on and explains that he always tried talking to me about it and it never helped. I realize that he is completely right. I always said no, I always made excuses, and always made false promises to change. When I look back on all the times I said no to sex, I can say my husband was a very patient man. I have no excuses. I went to my gynecologist last year, per my husband’s request, to check to see if there was anything causing me to have a low libido. The doctor ensured that everything was good.
I remember one time my husband unexpectedly came home on his lunch break and asked if he wanted to have sex. I shouted at him because “I thought you came home because you wanted to spend time with me, not to get laid.” He then made me lunch and went back to work. I realize now that he wanted to reconnect with me in a way he reserved exclusively for us. I never apologized for snapping at him. The fact he stilled cared enough to make me lunch without me asking speaks volumes, despite what just happened.
I ensure my husband that his feelings are valid. I apologize for all the hurt and pain that I cause him. I promise to try harder and not just put make false promises. I admit to making excuses and being selfish in the relationship. I told him I will do whatever it takes, whether it’s therapy, scheduling sex, etc. I didn’t realize that it was hurting my husband this bad. (Side note: I didn’t say this to my husband because he mentioned divorce. I said it because it’s truly how I feel. I had a realization at the time.) My husband then explains that he has given me multiple chances and how alone I have made him feel.
I try to remind him of our marriage vows that we took, that we would always be together through the good and the bad. He then retorts that part of the vows that we took that we wouldn’t deprive each other of sex and that sex is an exchange for loyalty. He then explains that he has felt so lonely, that he’s wanting to cheat but he wasn’t going to lower himself to that, as he put it. I tried to reassure him of everything. He then starts to pack all of his clothes, as I’m following him around the house begging him now to go, explaining that I’ll do anything it takes to keep us together. I even offer him sex right now. He declines it. He then takes what little he packs and is informing me that he is staying with his parents until he gets a place of his own.
I try calling and texting my husband multiple times, but I get meet with this text message and his exact words are “I don’t believe you will ever change. I will never forget all of times you lied about changing. I will never forget how the few times we had sex, it’s because I had to beg you for it. You just laid there like a starfish. When you went to Gynecologist, I thought it was going to real change, but should of known better. I remember when we first met, you couldn’t keep your hands off of me. As soon as we got married, you became way too comfortable in our marriage and put forth less effort. You robbed me of my 20s of sex. I will not loose my 30s to a sexless marriage. I refuse to grow old and regret my life decisions. You had your chance. We maybe legally married, but we are officially over. If I decide to have sex with someone right now, it would not be considered cheating. That is how serious I am about this. I will be sending you divorce papers soon. Goodbye, forever [my name]!”
I’ve continued trying to call my husband multiple times, but it keeps on going to voicemail. He either has his phone off or has blocked me. He will not respond to me on Facebook Messenger and Snapchat either. I’m sitting hear all alone with all of the untouched food I made just for him.
I really don’t want this marriage to end. We have so much history. I love him with all of my heart, he always been a great man, and I can’t see my life without him. What can I do to fix this, before it’s too late? All I can do is sit here and cry. I can’t lose him. In case anyone is wondering, we do not have any kids. Any advice is appreciated.
EDIT: I also want to explain to people while I had a low libido. At one point, I was working full time and sometimes they had mandatory overtime, going to school to get my Bachelors Degree (spending 60-80 hours a week on school and work), and taking care of my mother who was dying from ALS who couldn’t even do basic functions such as walk, talk, use the bathroom, and cook without assistance. This is all on top of being a wifey. Making sure we go on dates, spend time together, help take care of the house, provide, etc. Sometimes I was busy, I missed out on sleep just to get my school work done because I was busy taking care of my mom. My husband only worked 40 hours, and had way more free time. It wasn’t because he was lazy. He took care of the house and pets, but he didn’t have school and I wouldn’t let him take care of my mother because it was my job. In fact sometime he would get on me for constantly pushing it. When my mother passed away, it emotionally affect me. It still does today, but it’s way more manageable. I’m not saying this as an excuse. I could of tried to make more time for husband. God knows he deserves it. But sometimes, it’s hard to think about sex when so much gets in the way. My libido was coming back, now that I’m graduated, have more free time, and I’m healing from my mother’s death. I scheduled to see a psychologist to help me with my libido and to improve myself and I scheduled to see my gynecologist again just to be double sure there is no underlying medical issues causing a low libido, Lastly, even though I’m not fat, I plan on hitting the gym again. I used to be very active, but that was a while back.
One thing I found interesting about this whole spiel was that it apparently went on for years, but I really never saw a good explanation for WHY she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband. Yes, she was putting in a lot of hours and you can be sure that taking care of her mother was very stressful, but you know what makes you feel better if you’re under stress? Sex. Do you know what makes for a nice break after you’ve been working all day? Sex.
So what is the real reason she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband? There are actually a LOT of different possibilities. Certain anti-anxiety drugs can kill your sex drive. Believe it or not, long-term birth control can cause some women to lose their desire for sex. Then there are hormonal imbalances, endometriosis in some cases, pain during sex, a bad relationship, religious guilt or even simply not being attracted to your partner. It goes on and on and the telling thing is that she really hasn’t made any real effort to solve the problem until now.
I mean, if I completely lost interest in sex tomorrow, it would freak me the hell out and I would spend serious time and money researching it, talking to a sex therapist and seeing specialists. That would go DOUBLE if I were married because nobody gets married to NOT HAVE SEX. I don’t care what the reason is, if you let the sexual part of your relationship die and your partner starts to conclude that it’s not coming back, chances are he’s going to cheat or get divorced.
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As to her question about how she saves the marriage, the honest answer is that she doesn’t. Her husband has given up on the idea of ever getting his needs met through her and honestly, given the sort of half-hearted, “I guess I will put in a very minimal amount of effort since the marriage is about to end and ooh, ooh, it was ABOUT TO GET BETTER” BS she’s tossing out, I don’t think his thinking is off base. Whatever her issue is, it’s probably not close to being solved and she doesn’t seem nearly as motivated as she should be to solve it. So, I hate to see their marriage break up, but it seems like she let it die of neglect a long time ago.