She adds, “Ok this already sounds bad but don’t bite my head off until you hear the whole thing,” but as someone who has already heard the whole thing, I’m thinking some head biting should occur:
I (30F) have changed my mind after convincing my (32M) partner to leave his wife.
Ok this already sounds bad but don’t bite my head off until you hear the whole thing.
First off you need to know that my family is super Catholic. Really it was just my mom’s thing, Dad converted for her, we all basically quit practicing after their divorce. I got married way too young and discovered what a jackass my husband was way too late. He cheated on me CONSTANTLY.
So a couple of years ago I reconnect with an old friend of my brother’s from college. He was like a member of the family, always over at our place. His marriage was in similar straits (his wife cheated on him as well) and after bonding over that we started a physical relationship. This wasn’t just a fling though, after a while it blossomed into real true love. We both agreed we were going to leave our spouses for each other.
My (now ex) went first, and I was just about to break up with mine when my dad got really sick. (Losing my marriage and my dad in the same period of time really sucks, let me tell you.) But then something happened which changed everything. My dad, pretty atheist before all of this, let a priest give him last rites. I’m not sure what it was but this shook me to the core and all the religion of my childhood came back to me and I decided I couldn’t keep living in sin. I don’t intend to reunite with my husband, but I just can’t marry my lover. My partner couldn’t understand my change of heart and hasn’t spoken to me since, despite my apologies. I don’t need advice on reuniting with my husband, that ship has sailed. But how can I let my partner know that this isn’t his fault, and accept my change of heart?
One of the big risks of “getting serious” with a person that’s married or even separated is that it’s a tumultuous time in their life that is probably going to make them think about things and experience emotions that they haven’t felt in a long time. A marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment and when it ends, people start asking fundamental questions about their life. Do they want to get married again? If so, do they want to play the field before they get serious? Do they just want to be alone for a while to figure things out? Are there dreams they put on the back burner that they want to pursue now? It can be one of the most unstable times in a person’s life other than their teen years. So, if you sail your boat into those choppy seas, there’s no way to know whether it will work out or you’ll end up at the bottom of the ocean. Even setting aside the moral issues, it can seem perfect and then it can still fall apart for reasons that really have nothing to do with you.
As to this woman, she said the events that happened as her father died made her religious again. Is this possible? Absolutely. That being said, with all people, but ESPECIALLY WOMEN, you have to pay attention to what they do, much more than what they say.
If she’s really now too devoutly religious to continue forward with this relationship, which certainly would be much more moral than the relationship they were having 5 minutes ago while they were both still married, what else is she doing that would indicate she’s now very serious about her religious beliefs? Is she trying to reconcile with her husband? Nope. Is she reading the Bible multiple times per week? Is she going to church weekly? Is she volunteering to help people? I ask because these are things that devout people I know do — and we have no idea if she’s doing any of those things or if flushing this relationship is it.
What I will say is that the tone of her post and her little message at the start (“Ok this already sounds bad but don’t bite my head off until you hear the whole thing”) gives me the impression that she’s much more worried about how bad this will look to other people than she is about saving her soul. This could make a pretty handy excuse for some horrible behavior, right? “Gee, I wanted to go through with it, but I’m such a good, Christian girl now that I couldn’t.” Of course, the good Christian girls aren’t out cheating on their husbands in the first place, which again, makes me doubt the sincerity of what she’s saying. In fact, going by my gut instinct, I’m guessing that she either wants some time alone or wants to play the field and is just trying to keep things copacetic so that if she changes her mind later and wants him, that’s still a possibility.
At the end of the day, we don’t know exactly what her motivations are and why she’s doing this, but she told this guy she was in love and held out the offer of a relationship. Then when this guy broke off his marriage to be with her, she essentially said, “psyche.” To a certain extent, the “why” she dropped a bomb in this guy’s life doesn’t matter very much. It is what it is and the best thing he can do is put her in the rearview mirror and go on.