The first time you have sex is a little like taking an important test when you studied but missed a bunch of classes, so you hope you’ll do okay, but you are a little worried you’re going to spend too much time winging it. If that is where you’re at, here’s some terrible advice for you. It may not make you better at it, but if you pay attention to what not to do, it may at least keep you from being worse. (PS: Some of this advice is for men, some is for women, and some is for both.)
— “GRAB HIS D*CK AND TWIST IT!! GIVE EM THE OL’ D*CK TWIST!”
— Don’t make a single sound throughout the entire session.
— If you’re a lady make sure you just lay there and don’t move. Kind of like a starfish.
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— It’s not necessary to clean your genitals beforehand.
— Ladies, use teeth… Like a whole lot of teeth. If there is a question, use more teeth.
— You don’t need to get it wet, just dive in.
— Try to get off as fast as you can… it’s a race and you want first not second.
— “Lube? No, you don’t need that. Just jackhammer that thing in there as hard and fast as you can. If it feels like it’s burning, that means she likes it.”
— Wanna REALLY, REALLY make her scream? Wipe your d*ck off on her curtains!