How Many Kindergartners Could You Personally Take On In A Fight Before Being Overpowered?

This fascinating question was posed by someone on Reddit,

Stipulations and context:

  1. The kindergartners are released 5 at a time every 30 seconds.

  2. The arena is a standard sized classroom, let’s say 40 feet wide by 25 feet deep. However, the room is completely empty.

  3. The kindergartners are unarmed. They are just going to run at you, attempting to punch, kick, bite, and scratch you. Their ultimate goal is to cumulatively dog pile on you and pin you to the ground. If they can pin you for 15 consecutive seconds, you lose.

  4. You have to knock a kindergartner unconscious in order to defeat them. Once they are knocked unconscious, they vanish from the classroom arena.

  5. You can use any strategy you want to fend them off, but you are also unarmed and you are not allowed to leave the room.

My guess is that with these ground rules, it would be much tougher than most people anticipate to deal with this challenge.

First of all, if you’re not someone who is trained in martial arts and used to sparring, you are going to gas out VERY QUICKLY. In fact, my guess is that by the minute and a half mark, most adult males are going to be still functional, but sucking wind. Of course, even that could be optimistic because 5 fresh kindergartners are being released every 30 seconds. Given that the average boy entering kindergarten is 47 pounds, you could get into a lot of trouble very quickly as the numbers piled up just because of sheer weight. Moreover, the instructions say that they “run at you.” That means almost inevitably, some of them are going to get to you and wrap up your arms and legs. Can you peel them off? Absolutely, but that will take more energy and cause you to gas even faster.

Additionally, although an adult male can typically easily disable a child, the rules say the boy has to be knocked unconscious to disappear from the arena. While battering a child that size would be easy, knocking them unconscious may take significantly more effort. That’s doubly true if we are talking about a carpeted room, instead of a room where the floor and walls are concrete.

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Next, you have to talk about technique. Most people would be throwing punches, but given that their heads are going to be pretty hard and you’d have to punch down to hit them, the chances of a broken hand would be high. Knees, low kicks and teeps combined with brutal stomping kicks to the kids that were down would probably be more effective. However, kicks take more out of you than punches as well, which means you’ll gas even faster.

For the Kindergartners to win, they just need to pin you to the floor. How many would that take? Somewhere between 5-20, depending on your strength, how strategically they are positioned, etc.

If the kids were aggressive and the male was untrained, I’m going to guess that most guys would be down within 3 to 3 1/2 minutes. Of course, highly trained males could go much, much longer than that. On the other hand, if you were talking about a professional killer with crazy cardio, like Colby Covington or Khabib Nurmagedov, I could potentially see one of them defeating say, 400-600 children before he gases out and is dogpiled into defeat.

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John Hawkins
John Hawkins created Rightwingnews.com in 2001; built it up to a top 10,000 in the world website; created a corporation with more than 20 employees to support it; created a 3.5 million person Facebook page; became one of the most popular conservative columnists in America; was published everywhere from National Review to Human Events, to Townhall, to PJ Media, to the Daily Wire, to The Hill; wrote a book 101 Things All Young Adults Should Know that was at one point top 50 in the self-help section on Amazon; did hundreds of hours as a guest on radio shows, raised $611,000 in a GoFundMe for Brett Kavanaugh’s family and has been talked about everywhere from The New York Times to Buzzfeed, to the Washington Post, to Yahoo News, to the Rush Limbaugh Show, to USA Today. After seeing the unjust way that Brett Kavanaugh was treated during his hearings and how a lifetime worth of good work was put at risk by unprovable allegations, John Hawkins decided to create a men’s website. Welcome to Brass Pills!

 

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