Remember, according to feminists, women NEVER lie about this sort of thing, which is why we must always #believeallwomen. Except when they do…
UPDATE My younger sister (19F) and my boyfriend (21M) are both accusing each other of rape. I’m so lost
I’ve been with my boyfriend since the eighth grade. We finished high school and are graduating university later this year. He’s the sweetest, gentlest guy I’ve ever met, has never raised his voice at me, and has treated me like a princess for our entire relationship. My younger sister and I are also fairly close, but not like crazy close or anything. Currently it’s been a little strained but nothing too big a deal.
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My boyfriend and sister have never really talked that much, he always found her as my annoying younger sister and didn’t really talk to her unless she talked to him. So a few days ago, after us not being intimate for a little while, my boyfriend sits me down and asks me not to say anything, just listen. I agree and he starts talking.
He said when I was away in London for two weeks with my grandfather, he went to a party that one of our mutual friends threw. My sister was there and they exchanged greetings but didn’t talk much past that. He started drinking and he and his buddies did some shots and he got pretty wasted. They took him upstairs and put him to bed when she came upstairs. He was foggy and tired but she pulled his pants down and raped him. He was struggling but she held him down. She finished, laughed and said something along the lines of “you’re welcome, I know you’ve always had the hots for me” and left, while he lay there.
I was shocked and didn’t know what to think. I kissed him, said I loved him, put him to bed and then texted my sister and told her I was coming over NOW. I showed up, told her what I knew, and she burst into tears and explained no, HE raped her. He was pretty drunk and she was less, but he blundered out of the room when she was upstairs. She followed him back inside to put him back to sleep but fell onto the bed and he held her down and raped her. She got away and ran away from the party and he stayed in the room asleep.
I went back home and just sat there kind of in shock. The next morning after not sleeping all night I get a billion texts from my mom and dad telling them they’re calling the police on my boyfriend and for us to break up right now. My sister told everyone and now what’s happened has been a sh*tshow. My entire family is understandably on my sister’s side and a lot of our female mutual friends are also, saying a guy two years older than a girl could never get raped by her. Our male mutual friends however, are siding with my boyfriend saying he would never do something like that, he’s a delicate drunk and he has never exhibited these behaviors beforehand. Female friends are calling male friends incels, male friends are calling female friends enablers.
Friends at the party can only agree on three things: my boyfriend was in the room heavily drunk, sister went upstairs, sister came downstairs and left the party.
A lot is happening and I just need some time. My family is screaming at me for still not having broken up with my boyfriend and I’m being told repeatedly I’m a disgusting person for siding with a rapist. My boyfriend is giving me space but begs me to believe him. So far police has not gotten involved, both are unwilling to press charges. My boyfriend says it’s because he knows he’ll lose and my sister because she just wants him to disappear and never see him again.
Can someone please just tell me what to do? I can’t make decisions on my own. I need a third party without a bias.
TL;DR: Either my sister raped my boyfriend or my boyfriend raped my sister. I have no idea who.
I took a break after the Reddit post so I wasn’t able to reply to too many comments. I opened it back up after it was locked and the majority of the comments were pointing towards my sister. Honestly, my inital suspicions were towards her to begin with, because of how as kids she usually wanted what I had.
For the past few days since the incident, I’ve been holed up in my room. My parents and aunts and uncles have been attacking me over text for not condemning my boyfriend so I just turned my phone off. My boyfriend left me alone but sent me one lengthy text that said if I didn’t believe him it was okay, but he swears up and down, to everything sacred in the universe, that he’s not lying. My sister also texted me but her texts were more angry that I was still with him.My friends visited. Most of the girls were saying they were done with him and I had to break up with him. Most of the guys were saying he’s not like that and my sister’s the rowdy one.
Today I’d had it and I called my sister and told her to come over. She did and I made lunch, her favorite, tuna melts. We ate and I said I believed her and she smiled tearily and thanked me. So maybe this was sh*tty, but I was lying, I really didn’t. I asked her casually about it and she said she didn’t really feel comfortable talking about it, she just wanted to put it behind her. I said I understood and then asked her a few questions, like wasn’t he heavy and if he was so drunk how did she pin him down? She looked uncomfortable and reiterated she didn’t want to talk about it. I gave up all forms of pretense and began grilling her, repeating over and over the questions I had. She ran out of the apartment crying and I didn’t follow her.
The next thing I did is call my boyfriend and tell him I was on his side, for real, and I want him to tell her he’s pressing charges. He was confused but happy I believed him and agreed. He texted her he was pressing charges, and oh boy. She called him immediately and started screaming he was so f*cked up and why the hell would he press charges when he knew she’d win? He said it again and again and again and then she broke down over the phone. She begged him not to press charges. I took the phone and she flipped her story and said no, he didn’t rape her but it was consensual. They hooked up and then she left. I asked if he was this drunk, how could he have consented?
Long story short, she did it, but according to her, she didn’t mean to. I was the favorite child, I was the smartest kid, I was the best athlete, I had the best-looking boyfriend. She knew he liked her, he was always looking at her and flirty so when he was lying down she decided she’d just once get back and give him what he wanted, and she left and thought all was good but then when I came over she realized she’d raped him. She made a story because she didn’t want to be accused, but she really, really didn’t mean it.
I shut off the phone. My sister’s sending text after text, begging me to forgive her, saying she’s so, so sorry, please don’t call the police. My family still don’t know what’s going on so they’re still screaming at me for dating a rapist. The only person I’m talking to right now is my boyfriend, and he says he just wants to forget about all of this and get away from everything. I hate my sister so much right now but… she’s my sister. And she’s sorry. But she’s a f*cking psycho. My boyfriend says he never wants to see her again but I can have a relationship with her. Because it was an “accident”.Anyone want to tell me what I should do with her? And what to tell family?
TL;DR: My sister raped my boyfriend. I still don’t know what to do.
The basic problem if you are a man in this situation is that it’s outside of most people’s reality because they errantly assume that since men are USUALLY the sexually aggressive ones, that’s ALWAYS the case. Except, it isn’t. There are women that make the first move, that are aggressively sexual with guys they just met, that TAKE ADVANTAGE of drunk guys. Also, if a man has sex with an extremely drunk woman who couldn’t have possibly consented, it’s rape, but if the situations are reversed, it’s “why didn’t he just toss her off and leave?” Her sister was well aware of how all this worked, which is why she felt so comfortable falsely accusing him of rape to cover her tracks. Incidentally, this is how a lot of false accusations end up happening. A woman has sex with a guy, gets worried for some reason after other people find out, then falsely claims he raped her so she’s not responsible. It’s a reoccurring pattern.
This sexual assault was bad enough, but worse yet, her sister has publicly and privately smeared his name. There are now people, including this woman’s own parents, who believe that he’s a rapist. That could cost him friendships, job opportunities, ruin his reputation and lead to enough trauma to send him into counseling.
So, there are really two issues here. How does she clear her boyfriend’s name and what does she do about the sister?
First of all, it doesn’t sound like she actually has anything in writing that proves him innocent, so right now, it’s just her word against her sister’s word. Tricking her sister into putting it in writing would be extremely helpful. Although failing that, her word against her sister’s is still going to be fairly compelling. How many people are going to believe that she’s the one that’s lying if she says her own sister admitted to her that the story wasn’t true? As stressful as it will be if her boyfriend is going to clear his name, she is going to have to take his side publicly with people that have been told about this. She’s also going to have to tell the truth about her sister. Including telling the truth to her parents. In fact, MOST ESPECIALLY to her parents.
As to what she should do about her sister, I am generally someone who believes that you should go above and beyond to try to patch things up with family members. If it’s a savable relationship, put as many boundaries in place as you need to in order to protect yourself and try to save it. That being said, some family members can be just too toxic or go so far over the line that there’s no coming back from it. In my book, sexually assaulting your boyfriend and then publicly accusing him of rape is not a forgivable mistake. Any relative of mine who did that would be dead to me. Not everyone will look at it like that because as we all know, there are people that can forgive their family for anything, but how can you ever trust someone who’s willing to do something so utterly psychopathic? The best predictor of whether someone is going to behave like a monster tomorrow is how they’re behaving today. Hopefully, when she’s deciding if she’s going to continue to have a relationship with her sister, she will choose wisely.