This kind of sentiment is not uncommon. In fact, I have had women that have been physically beaten by their boyfriends say some version of this to me:
I feel kind of stuck here. Yesterday morning after a fight that could have been avoided if I had just walked out escalated instead.
He dragged me off the couch and tried to throw me down the stairs and choked me. It’s left me feeling like a huge problem was myself for putting myself in that situation. I was incredibly upset and tried calling the cops but he took my phone. He then apologized and tried to be sweet. I wasn’t able to process all this until last night. It’s just left me feeling like I’ve always been the issue. I’m the “crazy” and “possessive” one.
I’m not really sure how to shake off this feeling of guilt which I don’t think I should be feeling?
TL;DR: my ex got physical after a heated argument and it’s left me feeling guilty because it feels like I caused it. Having trouble processing this.
First of all, in American society, we tend to have a Manichean view of everything. So, there’s a good guy and there’s a bad guy and there’s nothing in-between, but the real world is always a little more complicated than that. People excuse their actions, they come up with rationalizations and the people involved always know that it’s always more complicated than it looks at first glance.
In this case, she was fighting with her ex-boyfriend, knew that she should leave, and instead she escalated the situation and he responded by getting violent with her. Is she at fault?
Well, to begin with, she seems to be conflating two different things. Is she responsible for the argument? That’s entirely possible. She thinks she’s acting “crazy” and “possessive.” Guess what? Maybe she is and he has every reason to be angry about it.
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However, even if her ex is right to be angry at her, it doesn’t justify tossing her down the stairs and choking her. Whether you are male or female, having your partner lay hands on you is a dealbreaker. Why? Well, as Tony Robbins has said:
“If you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviours and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.”
If you live in the United States and domestic abuse meets your baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you need to raise your standards. In her case, I’d recommend she call the cops. If she doesn’t want to do that, then at a minimum, she should cut this guy out of her life for her own sake.
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