As a straight, conservative, non-millennial, this seems very clearcut, but judging by the fact that I keep seeing young guys having trouble navigating similar situations to this, it’s apparently a real dilemma for a certain group of men. So, let’s dive in.
I went on a date with a woman, who was trans, and now I feel like an asshole:
To preface, I don’t feel transphobic. I have trans friends and they’ve kind of been ambiguous about it. Some say that it’s “to be expected”, some feel like you can’t help what you’re attracted to, but… I worry that I’m the asshole because the girl was very angry and aggressive, and my best friend agreed with her.
To set the stage:
I’d been talking with this girl online for a few weeks, and we share a lot of common interests. We both love to cook, we love video games, and we really enjoy “little moments” like carving pumpkins for fun, going for a hike just to see a secluded view, and making things with our hands (like a shed or a boat).
We seemed to really hit it off, so we scheduled a date! I was really excited, and I made sure to bring flowers (her favorite are lilies) because I know she loves them. When date night came I was a bundle of nerves, and showed up half an hour early to the restaurant, just to be safe.
When she walked in, and sat down, I was a bit confused at first. She looked like her photos, but she was clearly a male-bodied-woman. I didn’t let that stop me from trying to show her a good time, but it was a question I had. When I asked, she was honest and said that she was born with a male body, but that she’s always been a woman. I told her that I’d like to treat the date the same, and we’ll see how it goes on my end.
The date went well enough, but by the end of it I knew that it wasn’t really going to work. I told her, clearly but kindly, that I really respected her, and I thought we could be really good friends, but that I wasn’t interested in perusing a relationship.
She accused me of being transphobic, and that if she didn’t have a penis I’d feel differently. I didn’t know how to respond, probably because I don’t want to sleep with a male body. It’s not that I’m bothered by her gender identity, I just don’t find the male form attractive, and I don’t want to engage the male form.
I feel like it’s not fair to expect me to ignore her anatomy when it comes to sexual compatibility. I know that love is supposed to transcend everything, but there’s normally a reason we have sexualities at all. I’m attracted to women, and while this wonderful woman is amazing, her body doesn’t fit my personal needs.
I get mixed messages because some of my friends (even some of the trans friends) feel like “compatible” means that if I don’t want to sleep with a male body I shouldn’t feel bad. Others think I should ignore the anatomy in favor of her mind. I guess I feel like I want both to align, and we’re all selective.
Does that make me the asshole? I tried to be very polite, I tried to give the entire evening a solid chance, but it ended up feeling like it wasn’t going to work.
The thinking here seems so bizarre. If you are a straight guy, what are you supposed to do? Suck his d*ck even though you’re not attracted to him to prove you’re not transphobic? If this guy had wanted to be on a date with someone that had a penis, he’d be gay, not straight.
Furthermore, if we’re discussing who the asshole is here, it’s definitely the tranny that made this guy find out the truth the hard way instead of just telling him right upfront. Not only is that deeply dishonest and probably counter-productive 99% of the time, it’s dangerous because if you do actually pass for female and the guy you tricked realizes you have a penis, a certain percentage of guys will lash out violently in that situation.
What this really underscores is how big the lie is that we’ve told transsexuals. We’ve told them that they can change genders, which isn’t true and that when they do, their problems will go away, which is even further from the truth. Take the guy masquerading as a woman here. Not only is he not a woman, he’s not even passing as female. He’s not going to be dating heterosexual guys. In fact, even if he tries to date gay guys, most of them probably aren’t going to be attracted because he’s trying to look like a woman. The reality is that gender isn’t just a social construct, no matter how many times woke professors say otherwise, and lying about that fact has real consequences in people’s lives.